Barriers to Listening & Communicating well

The best communicators are the best listeners, and the best conversationalists are also the best listeners, partly because they have been so attentive. Many complaints and conflicts arise because someone feels they have not been listened to properly. The simplest way to make others feel valued and appreciated is to actively listen to them.

Here are 12 common blocks to listening:
Comparing
Comparing yourself to the speaker and your experience/knowledge etc. with theirs.
Mind Reading
Trying to figure out what the speaker really means, rather than listening to what they are actually saying.
Rehearsing
Rehearsing in your own mind what you're going to say as soon as you get the chance.
Filtering
Only listening for certain things, ignoring the rest and letting your mind wander if you don't hear what you want or expect.
Judging
Judging what the speaker says, rather than listening in an open non-judgemental way.
Dreaming
Only half listening, then allowing your own related thoughts to take you into a daydream.
Identifying
Identifying with what they say and referring it back to your own experience e.g. "You think that was bad, wait till you hear what happened to me!"
Advising
You quickly spot the problem that the speaker is relating and you want to jump in and tell them how to put it right.
Sparring
Jumping into the conversation as soon as you disagree with what you hear.
Being right
You don't listen to anyone else because you are already right and don't want to be challenged on anything.
Derailing
You suddenly changing subject when you get bored or uncomfortable with the topic.
Placating
Responding by saying whatever you think the speaker wants to hear

If you want to enhance your listening skills, it requires conscious effort. Select one or two of the blocks to listening and consciously be aware of when you slip into them. Awareness is of course the first step, and be prepared to feel awkward at first. But stick with it - remember, the price of perserverence is always less than the pain of regret!

With listening and communication skills in general, the more you resist the temptation to impress in the other person’s eyes, the more you will actually shine, and be appreciated by them. Don't you feel valued when someone gives YOU their undivided attention?

Source: Adapted from "Messages" by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis & Patrick Fanning

Using 'The Secret' for Effortless Success

Daily Disciplines for Effortless Success

Six Steps for Activating "The Secret" in Your Life by Jack Canfield

The first step to using Law of Attraction as presented in the movie The Secret is to clarify exactly what you want. Remember—determine, write down and talk about what you do want, not what you don’t want. Be as specific as possible. Once you have clarified what you want, do the following each and every day.

1. Morning Intention, Visualisation and Releasing
As soon as you wake up in the morning, take about 5 minutes to focus your mind on your desires, goals and intentions. Start by sitting in a comfortable position, closing your eyes and visualising your desires and goals as already being fulfilled. Spend 30 seconds to a minute on each of your core desires and goals. You can also take a few moments to visualise your day going exactly as you would like it to. When you do this, you will often find negative limiting beliefs that are the result of negative programming from your childhood will come up. You may hear thoughts like “I could never afford that,” “there’s no way I’ll ever get that,” or “who am I kidding?” coming up. Don’t fight or argue with the thought; just release it. Remember to also spend several moments feeling the feelings you would feel if you had already manifested your desire in your life. The intensity of the feeling is what fuels the intensity of the attraction.

2. Use External Images to Keep you Focused on Your Desires and Goals.
To keep yourself focused on what you want to manifest surround yourself with visual images of the things and experiences you want to attract into your life. There are many techniques you can use for this.
1) Cut out pictures of the things you wish to own (like your ideal car or home) and pictures that represent the experiences you want to have (like the perfect relationship, your ideal job, perfect health, being at your ideal weight, more joy, inner peace or balance in your life)to remind yourself of how you want it to be. Tape them up where you will see them every day—on the mirror, the refrigerator, or your bulletin board. You can also scan them into your computer and make them into a screen saver or a continuously running PowerPoint program.
2) Combine your pictures and words that you cut out into a collage on a large piece of poster board.
3) Make a Dream Book by putting the pictures into a 3-ring binder pasted onto the pages or slid into plastic page protectors. When you look at any of these pictures, do what Bob Doyle, who is featured in The Secret teaches— think the thought, “THIS IS MINE NOW! THIS IS WHO I AM!”

3. Think a Better Feeling Thought
Start paying attention to the many times during the day that you have emotional responses (to other people, experiences, or your own thoughts) that are not in alignment with having or producing your desires. Pay special attention to when you feel disappointment, resentment, frustration or anger about your experiences and circumstances. Remember, it’s your feelings (which are created by your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs) that are attracting your current circumstances. You must make a vibrational shift by changing your thoughts to ones that make you feel better (i.e., raise your vibration). Remember that you must become a vibrational match for the things and experiences that you want to attract into your life. It is especially important to focus your thoughts and behaviors on things that cause you to feel joy. Focus your thoughts on thoughts that bring you joy (your lover, your best friend, your grandchildren, your favorite holiday spot) and your actions on doing the things you love to do (pet your cat, work in your garden, listen to your favorite music).

4. Have an Attitude of Gratitude
It is critical to take time each and every day to focus on what you are grateful for. Some people do this in the morning before or after they visualise their desires; others prefer to do it in the evening. Focus on all of the things in your life (most of which you take for granted) that you are grateful for—your health, your children, your job, the nice weather, electricity, running water, a nice stereo system, your flower garden, your pets, your friends). No matter what your situation, there are always things to be grateful for. The more you focus on what you are grateful for, the more things and experiences you will attract to be grateful for.

5. Take Action
There are two kinds of actions you can take. Obvious actions are things like, if you want a better car, going to test drive all of the models you are interested in and choosing the exact car you want to have, and saving 10% of your income in a “car account.” If you want to be a doctor, apply to medical school. There are also what I call “inspired actions.” Once you begin to do the things described above, the universe will start responding by sending people, resources and opportunities you need to manifest your desired result. You are going to find that you have inspired ideas; you must act on them. You must follow those gentle proddings from the universe. Often these intuitive impulses will have no seeming connection to achieving your goal, but if you follow them, they will lead you down a path of wonderful fulfillment. Here’s a quick way to know if the actions you’re taking are taking you closer to the fulfillment of your dreams and desires. If you are feeling joy while you are doing them, then you are on the right path. Remember, joy is your internal guidance system, just like the GPS system in a car, telling you are taking the right actions. Follow your joy.

6. Acknowledge that it is Working
If you start to see something change for the better, acknowledge that it is happening. Appreciate it. When you receive unexpected income, acknowledge it. When you meet someone who can help you achieve your goal, acknowledge that Law of Attraction is working. The more you acknowledge that it’s working, the more it will work. It’s that simple. If you are attracting things into your life that you don’t want, remember the Law of Attraction is still working. Instead of thinking or saying, “It’s not working,” ask your self, “What am I focusing on, thinking about, talking about, feeling or doing that is attracting this into my life?” If you want to know what you are thinking about, notice the results you are producing in your life. To change those results, you will first have to change your vibration by changing your thoughts and feelings. While there are many techniques that are variations on these themes that you can apply, there’s nothing else you have to do.


See more from Jack Cranfield at http://www.freesuccessstrategies.com/

James Sweetman is the author of Graduate to Success and is a leading authority on Peak Performance. If you are ready to step into your potential, visit http://www.jamessweetman.com

Light a Conversation Fire

There is a great tactic anyone can use that guarantees great conversation regardless of who you are talking to. The top movers in the world of business and even those charming people who light up any social event know this secret and you can use it too. This is a critical life skill and thankfully it is much easier than people think to excel at conversation skills once you know the smart way to go about it.

There are three simple steps to lighting the conversation fire:

1. Complete Attention.
Give complete attention to the person you are talking to. Yes, all of your attention. Resist the temptation to scan the room, play with the loose change in your pocket or start thinking about what you need to do later in the day. Talk and listen to the person before you as if this is the most important person you have ever met and as if this conversation is the most important discussion of your life. When you do this the other person cannot help but notice the respect you are showing him. This is flattering. You will find whoever you are talking to will respond very positively to this attention. They will warm to you, speak more freely and pay close attention to what you say.

2. Conversation is like fishing.
Small talk is the starting point. Why? You engage in small talk to fish for great topics of conversation that appeal to you and the other person - you are looking for shared interests and passions. For this reason, and following on from step one, pay very close attention to the non-verbal behavior of the other person as he talks. You need to spot clues that indicate his interests. And, you want to avoid those topics he finds boring, annoying or distasteful. It is easy to spot these clues as long as you pay more attention to how someone talks than to what he says. You´ll still hear everything he says. You then simply look for clues as indicated by more enthusiasm in his voice and body language.

3. Follow the path of least resistance.
When you spot a topic that generates enthusiasm follow that lead and drive the conversation in that direction. This is very easy to do since people love to talk about what interests them. A few good questions to open up the topic is usually all it takes. A spark then ignites the conversation and before you know it the conversation takes on a life of its own. Make sure to match the enthusiasm of the other person in your voice tone and in your body language. This is important. If you fail to do this you will dampen their enthusiasm.

One important point. Some topics will get an emotional response that looks like enthusiasm but are to be avoided is meeting someone for the first time. If an issue agitates the other person the annoyance is like a negative passionate enthusiasm! This is risky ground with someone you do not know very well and is best to steer clear of. Look for positive enthusiasm especially topics that cause someone to smile or laugh. Make it a goal to fish for topics that make people feel good and you´ll make friends with new people even faster that you expect.

You can light the conversation fire anytime you want to by remembering these three points: give complete attention to the other person, fish for great topics and follow the path of less resistance.

Over time you will get better and better at each step until it becomes second nature. At this point this process will run on automatic and meeting people becomes a lot of fun. This is a key point. It takes a little practice to get this right and when you do people will find it very difficult to not give you their undivided attention. You should work every day to send out positive and creative signals to others by your words, actions and body language. The way you act can have either a negative or positive impact on others as well as yourself. If you want to succeed in both your personal and professional life, or further develop your people skills, it is crucial to change from a pattern of destructive, negative thoughts to positive,creative thinking.

Why not try it out yourself . . .what have you got to lose?


Similar tips are available from www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com

Stress & Distress

Stress Management

When people talk about stress, they generally apply a negative meaning to the word. In addition, most of us are conditioned to thinking negative thoughts when we hear the word stress. However, there is a subtle but important distinction between stress and distress, which is what we usually mean in this context.

Stress can be a positive thing. In a physiological sense, it allows the flow of adrenaline, and prepares our 'fight or flight' response to allow us escape or face dangerous or scary situations. At a lower level, it is what makes us nervous in terms of anxiety, such as in advance of exams, or interviews for example. This can be positive, as in these situations - if we acknowledge, harness and channel this stress - we can actualy perform better. It can be enhancement to performance, and not an inhibitor. But we have to manage it appropriately.

However for too many people this is not the case. The stress - or more properly distress - they experience actually envelopes them, and causes a deterioration in performance. They freeze in the face of anxiety and the consequences are almost always negative.

One of the ways to manage stress is to think about it differently, and to move those things which cause you stress in your life into a separate space. Compartmentalise it, look at it from a distance, as if in a bubble. Is the situation and the stress managing you, or are you in control of it? We cannot control every situation, but we can control how we respond to them. That is our power.

We can all learn to recognise the signs of stress in ourselves, how they manifest themselves, and how we can manage them effeciently. Why not contact us at www.epmconsulting.eu and see how we can assist you with simple, effective solutions you can apply daily, to make your life - and the lives of those around you - better.

How we Know what we Know

We are probably all familiar with statements such as 'Knowledge is Power', or 'A little knowledge is a dangerous thing'. However, most of us never stop to consider how we acquire knowledge. For some people this involves hours of study, for others, it seems to be absobed without effort, almost like osmosis.

One of the most famous, or perhaps infamous pronouncements on the nature of knowledge came from Donald Rumsfeld, the then US Secretary of State for Defence. He baffled millions of people by offering the following at a Press Conference . . . . .

As we know, There are known knowns. There are things we know we know.
We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some things we do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns, The ones we don't know we don't know.
(Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing)

Confused? Most people are, at first reading. However, if you go back and read his statement slowly, line by line - and actually stop to think about it for a moment - the mist begins to clear a little. Perhaps it does make sense after all.

In fact, the basis for his statement has a solid foundation in Educational Theory about how we learn. The scientific approach to a learning cycle - especially to learning a skill - suggests that it involves the following stages:

Stage 1 Unconscious Incompetence
Essentially this is the 'things that we don't know, we don't know'. An example might be driving a car . . . as a child we are quite happy simply to be transported from A to B, we don't know (or care) that we are not able to do this ourselves

Stage 2 Conscious Incompetence
This is where we develop an awareness that there are things that we don't know, and would like to learn. Using the car driving analogy, this usually happens in teenage years, when we develop an interest in being able to master this skill independently

Stage 3 Conscious Competence
This applies when we are in the process of learning a new skill, and suddenly we 'know that we know' how to do something, even though the process may feel awkward, complex and difficult to master. We consciously concentrate on the discrete stages, and are acutely aware of each distinct element in the process (e.g. simultaneously pressing clutch & changing gears etc).

Stage 4 Unconscious Competence
This is the final stage in our learning transition, when we have mastered the skill to such a degree that we undertake it automatically, without conscious thought. Those of us who have learned to drive will be aware that, after a short time, our ability (or competence) reaches such a high level that we no longer need to concentrate on the elements - we carry them out unconsciously.

Life's Obligations and Obstacles

Recently I came across an article by Life Coach Shalini Sinha, which struck a cord with me. In the article, she states some fundamental truths, some of which I have repeated (and added some personal thoughts to) below. Her fundamental message was that:-

There is nothing you have to do with your life. Absolutely nothing. There is no particular job you have to have. You don't have to earn loads of money. There is no right person you have to spend your time with. You don't have to get married or have children. There is nothing specific you have to eat. Nowhere in particular you have to go. There is nothing you have to do.
Sound like a cryptic riddle for the meaning of life? For most of us, it is. On any given morning, we face a list of things we have to do and things we should do. We are driven by obligation; driven by external pressures and demands. In this, what we really want has moved so far down the list it barely registers anymore.

Still, the secret to life is that there is genuinely no requirement. This is your life, and the most definite thing we know about it is that it can be as unique as you are. It needn't look like the examples you see around you. You have the freedom to do this differently. Most importantly, there is nothing you are supposed to do, no right or wrong answer, no prescription.

The ugly truth is that most of us don't feel this. We don't feel we have an inherent value - that our birth, our formation, in and of itself, was remarkable enough to give value to our lives. Not only do we make many key decisions based on a distorted sense of what we should be doing, but we also fill our days with mundane actions that reflect what we believe others (friends, family or community) expect of us. Worse again, we often ‘catastrophise’ and make a major fuss over things which are, on reflection, trivial and meaningless. Unfortunately, this can often only be seen with the benefit of hindsight and the perspective that the passing of time brings.

In an increasingly busy world, few of us feel in control of our lives. Instead, we are being driven somewhere that often neither makes sense nor nurtures our own confidence, imagination or values. And, we feel powerless to stop this. We feel too isolated to take risks and believe in our own vision for life. The only thing we have to do in life is express ourselves. Express our sense of joy, our values and our capabilities. But somehow we are fearful.

The words of Marianne Williamson – famously quoted by Nelson Mandela – have relevance here:-

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Often our upbringing and conditioning suffocates our sense of wonder, and suppresses our feelings of self worth. By the time we become teenagers, we are very insecure about ourselves. Many of us have gained deeply entrenched struggles of feeling invisible, unloved and invaluable, and we carry these into our adulthood. There is something we are doing wrong with each other if this is happening. Something we are doing wrong with ourselves. However we have to fight with conformity and retain our true sense of worth, of value, of self. We have to retain our sense of wonder.

Remember as Bob Moorehead reminds us . . . . Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.



See:
The Bigger Picture: Nothing to Do by Shalini Sinha. Irish Times Health Supplement – 3rd April 2007.

Return to Love – Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson (1992) Harper Collins

Dr Bob Moorehead - www.xdude.com/paradox.htm

6 Steps to Success

To climb the career ladder you need a variety of skills and expertise. You also need to have the right attitude and mindset. People who achieve success in their chosen fields adhere to the laws of success. Irrespective of your current position, apply these six principles to climb the career ladder.

1. Know your result
Just as companies have end of year results, in twelve months time you will have results in terms of your career, finances, health and relationships. What do you want your results to be in 2007? If you don’t make a conscious effort to determine where you are going, in terms of career (and life) direction; where you are investing your time and energy, you will constantly be reacting to the demands of others. How will you know you are on the right track unless you know your destination?

2. Take Action
Knowledge is only potential power, goals and results are only achieved when you take action. There are two types of action, swift and persistent. Swift action generates momentum. Persistent action ensures steady progress.

3. Flexibility
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time, is a humourous definition of madness. It is all too easy to get stuck in a rut, but if what you are doing is not getting you closer to where you would like to be, then common sense says try something different.

4. Continuous Learning
In a recent study of global high achievers carried out by Fortune Magazine, the main factor that distinguished people at the top of their game in a business and sports context are the ones that carried out what they labelled ‘disciplined practice.’ This means continuously assessing how you are performing and more importantly how you can take your performance to the next level. Just think of Tiger Woods!

5.Model Success
Who do you know that has achieved what you would like to achieve? What can you learn from them? From my experience people who have achieved what you would like to achieve, will be only too willing to share their experience with you, if you approach them in the right way.

6. Personal Excellence
Having the attitude of being and doing your best at whatever it is you undertake is an attitude that will get you noticed. From an employer’s perspective training will increase your competence, but the right attitude is either something you have or you don’t.

In terms of your career, change is automatic, but progress is not. Start living the above principles and you will be proactively shaping your future.

Every successful athlete & performer has a coach, so why should it be any different for individuals who want to excel in their careers

James Sweetman is the author of Graduate to Success and is a leading authority on Peak Performance.
If you are ready to step into your potential, visit http://www.jamessweetman.com